Want to defend, but fairly?
How to play a beatable defender without faking it.
Read about the beatable defenderMy Child Is Better at Football Than Me: Five Roles That Still Help
Parent Play Style
You don't have to keep up to stay in the game.
If your child can now do things with a ball that you can't, here are five roles, a role chooser for tonight and the questions that keep them talking.
The first evening my child nutmegged me twice and then waited, kindly, for me to turn round, I felt about a hundred years old. If your child is better at football than you, stop trying to be the opponent and take a different job. Each role keeps you in the game without you having to keep up, and giving your child your full attention is a good place to start. The sources on parents in youth sport point to support that follows the child's lead (Gao et al., The Coaching Manual). No study has looked at this exact situation.
Not the opponent, still in the game
Child Beats Me at Football: Five Roles That Still Help
These five roles are suggestions from ordinary garden play. They are not research findings and none of them is a rule. Pick one, try it for five minutes and drop it if it doesn't fit.
- 1
Feeder. Roll or pass the ball in along the ground from the side so your child can strike it first time. You control the pace and angle, which is a real skill, and your child gets repetitions without chasing the ball. Say: "Tell me where you want the next one."
- 2
Goalkeeper. Stand between two markers while your child shoots. You don't need to be good at it, so just dive for each one and let the saves and misses fall as they fall. Say: "Hit it low and I'll dive for it."
- 3
Challenge setter. Set a target such as hit the cone, three in a row or weaker foot, and let your child decide whether it is too easy. You are the person who thinks up the next level, not the one who beats it. Say: "Can you do it three times in a row?"
- 4
Apprentice. Ask to be shown a move, then try it badly. Being the teacher is a role your child can only fill if you let them. Say: "Show me that again, slower."
- 5
Wall. Stand still and pass it back, first with one touch and then with two. A reliable, predictable partner is worth a lot to a child trying a new move. Say nothing and just return it.
No source tests these roles, so treat the wording as a starting point and change it to suit your garden.
Read the child, pick the role
Playing Football With a Child Who Is Better Than You: Which Role Tonight?
Don't choose the role first. Watch your child for the first minute and choose from what they do.
| What your child is doing | Take this role | First thing to say |
|---|---|---|
| Wants an audience for a trick | Apprentice | "Show me, then I'll have a go." |
| Wants to strike the ball again and again | Feeder | "Where do you want the next one?" |
| Bored, or it's too easy | Challenge setter | "What would make that harder?" |
| Frustrated, or miss after miss | Wall | Say nothing. Pass it back at a steady pace. |
| Wants a proper game | Goalkeeper | "Best of five, I'm in goal." |
Your child can swap the role at any time, and a better player will. Let them. The table is my own reading of what works, not a rule from a coaching body.
Ask one, then wait
How to Ask Questions That Aren't a Quiz
Ask one open question per go, then wait for the answer. Don't add a second question and don't add a correction. The coaching advice is to let the child lead the reflection (The Coaching Manual's advice on supporting the process).
An open question is one a child can answer in more than one way. These are the ones that work in our garden:
- "How did you do that?"
- "What did you see before you went?"
- "What would you change?"
- "What's the hardest part?"
- "What do you want to try next?"
Two to avoid. "Why did you do that?" sounds like blame, and "Don't you think you should...?" is a correction dressed as a question.
The evidence is thin. In a small study of academy coaches' questions, 5 academy coaches were watched and their questions were mostly closed, which drew limited answers from players, and the authors recommended more open questions (Cope et al.). That is a small study of coaches, not parents, so it is a hint, not proof.
For the timing rule, one sentence per go is covered in what to say during play.
The awkward bit
What to Do When Your Kid Outgrows Your Football Skills
I used to hold back and let them win, and they saw through it within a week. Here are three plain don'ts and one do.
- Don't fake-lose. Children notice, and a win that was handed over means nothing. For a defender who is beatable without being fake, see the beatable defender method.
- Don't start coaching from a place of less skill. If you catch yourself correcting, a coach-mode reset takes five minutes.
- Don't apologise for being worse. "Sorry I'm rubbish" teaches them that being outplayed is something to be ashamed of.
- Do say what you can see. Name the effort, the ideas and how the ball moved. Diamond Football's guide for parents calls the parent the "biggest fan, not their toughest coach", which is opinion, but a good one.
If you know nothing about the game at all, you can start from zero too.
What is known and what is not
What the Research Says, and Where It Stops
A systematic review of 29 studies on parents and young athletes' motivation found that autonomy support, moderate involvement and a good parent-child relationship go with better motivation. It also found that negative parent behaviour predicts motivation more strongly than positive behaviour.
Mostly Western studies, mostly cross-sectional, so it shows an association, not a cause, and it is about organised youth sport, not a garden.
The coaches' questions study above observed mostly closed questions and recommended more open ones. It covers academy coaches, so it is a hint for parents and no more.
No study we could find looks at a parent who has been overtaken at football, so the five roles are our own suggestions from garden play and are not research results.
Quick answers
Common Questions About a Child Who Is Better Than You at Football
What do I do if my child is better at football than me?
Stop being the opponent and take a role: feeder, goalkeeper, challenge setter, apprentice or wall. Then ask one open question and wait (Cope et al., The Coaching Manual).
Should I let my child win?
No. Children notice, and the win means less. Take a role where nobody has to lose, or use the beatable defender method.
Should I pay for a coach instead?
A coach can add skills, but the garden is about time together, and you can do both (Diamond Football).
What if I don't know the rules or the moves?
You don't need them. Starting from zero is fine, and the roles above need no knowledge of the game.
Is it a problem that my child outplays me?
No study we found looks at this, so there is no figure to give. Children getting better than their parents at a skill is ordinary and not a sign that anything is wrong.
Keep going
Where to Go From Here
Three places to go next, depending on what you found.
Talking too much?
One sentence per go and when to say nothing.
Read about what to say during playSlipped into coaching?
Three signs you've gone into coach mode and a five-minute reset.
Read about stopping coachingTonight's five minutes
Take a role, not a scoreline.
Next time you're out in the garden, pick one role and one question. Let your child decide if it's too easy.