Is the loss bringing tears?
A short way through the moment, whoever won.
See the losing guideWhat to Say to Your Child After a Football Match
Parent Play Style
The score is the least interesting thing in the car.
If you are wondering what to say to your child after a football match, the answer is three short lines, one easy question and plenty of room for quiet.
For a long time I started the debrief before the seatbelts had clicked: "Why didn't you pass to the one on the left?" My child went quiet, watched the lorries on the dual carriageway and asked for the radio before we reached the first roundabout. I had turned a lift home into a match review that nobody had asked for.
Start here
What to Say to Your Child After a Football Match: The Short Answer
Keep it short and leave the score out of it. Say one warm line such as "I loved watching you play", offer a choice between talking and quiet, then move on to something ordinary like a snack. Save questions and tips for later, and only if your child opens the door.
Straight after a match children are often tired, hungry or still wound up. A children's welfare charity describes parents' part as emotional support and encouragement, with feedback that is constructive rather than critical (the NSPCC guidance on parents in sport). Sport psychologists and coaching writers add some points, though the AASP tips are written for adolescent athletes, not for 5 to 9 year olds. Be positive and listen. Let your child start any talk about performance, save critical comments for the coach and keep your normal routine whatever the result (the AASP tips for talking after the game, a UK football coaching company's advice).
Silence is normal too. In one video study of car rides to and from sport, sport talk filled about 13 percent of the time, other talk about 29 percent and silence about 59 percent (the car-ride video study, the journal's summary of the study). A quiet car is not a failed car.
The three lines below are my arrangement of that advice, a sensible default and not a tested script. For tears about losing, start with what to do when your child gets upset about losing. For talk during a home kickabout, see what to say during play.
Say these in order
The Car Ride Home After Football: Three Lines to Say
The order is mine, built on advice from the AASP, a coaching company, one columnist and a youth sport blog. The first line stays the same after a win, a loss or a draw. The table below adds one short sentence after it for each kind of result.
- 1
Say you enjoyed watching. "I loved watching you play." It has nothing to do with the score, so it is true after any result (AASP, Mojo Sport). Say it once and do not add "but".
- 2
Offer talk or quiet. "Want to chat about it, or shall we have some quiet?" Both answers are fine. One youth sport blog uses a version of this choice, and the video study found long silences are ordinary (video study, journal summary).
- 3
Name something ordinary next. "Shall we put the radio on?" or "Banana or flapjack?" It moves the car on to the rest of the day. Then leave the match alone until your child brings it up.
"I loved watching you play. Want to chat about it, or shall we have some quiet? Either's fine by me."
If your child starts talking, listen first and let them finish. If not, the radio is a good answer. No line is magic, and none comes from a trial.
Same first line, a different sentence after it
What to Say After a Football Loss, a Win or a Bad Game
The first line never changes, which is the point (AASP). What changes is the short sentence that follows it and what you leave out.
| What happened | What to say | What to leave out |
|---|---|---|
| A win | "I loved watching you play. That looked like fun. Want a snack?" | A replay of every goal, "You're the best" (a title to live up to) and any talk of next week's opponents. |
| A loss | "I loved watching you play. That looked hard." Then quiet or a snack. | "Never mind", "It's only a game" and "You'll win next time" (a promise you can't keep). For tears, see the losing page below. |
| A bad game you both know was bad | "I loved watching you play. That was a tough one. Snack or chat?" Honest, short, warm. | "You were brilliant" (they know it wasn't, AASP says be honest and sincere), "Why didn't you..." and a list of fixes. |
| A row with the referee, a teammate or another parent | "I loved watching you play. That sounded frustrating." Then change the subject. | Joining the grumble about the referee or the coach (AASP), or running the other child down. |
"Be honest and sincere" is the advice from the Association for Applied Sport Psychology (AASP). A warm line you believe beats a big one you don't.
Keep the usual tea and bath too. A normal evening says the result did not change anything (AASP). If the loss brings tears, the way through is in when your child gets upset about losing.
Later, and only if they open the door
Post Match Talk With Kids: Questions Worth Asking, and When
Give your child time before any talk about the match (a university write-up of car-ride research). Let them start it (AASP). Then ask one question, listen and stop.
Parents in the video study often asked closed questions, the kind answered with a word, and sometimes spoke again before the child had answered (video study, journal summary). Open questions and a pause are the fix, though that fix is mine, not the study's.
- "What was the best bit?"
- "What made you laugh?"
- "What would you like to try next time?"
A good time is tea, the bath or bedtime, not the car park. If your child wants to go through every mistake, listen and reflect ("That sounds annoying") and do not fix. Tips can go to the coach (AASP).
No study tells us which question works best. For the talk during a home kickabout, see what to say during play.
Five easy ones to drop
Talking to Your Child After a Football Game: What to Leave Out
Most of these come out before anyone decides to say them, including me.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| "Why didn't you pass?" | "What was that bit like?" or nothing at all. A why-question sounds like a charge. |
| "Unlucky!" | "That looked hard." It names the feeling, not the luck. |
| "You were brilliant!" after a poor game | "I loved watching you play." True after any result (AASP). |
| "The ref was a disgrace." | Say nothing, or "That sounded frustrating." Undermining officials and coaches gives your child a grievance to carry (AASP), and England Football's Silent Support Weekend asks sideline adults to avoid shouting and to applaud good play. |
| "Did you see how fast the other lad was?" | Nothing. Comparing your child with other children is on the list of things to avoid (AASP). |
If you have a real tip, write it down and take it to the coach later. The AASP advice is to save critical evaluation for the coaches (AASP).
For lines that name what your child did, use praise phrases for football.
What is known and what is not
What the Sources Say About the Drive Home
One small video study recorded 98 car rides from 28 parent-child pairs, about 30 hours in all. Sport talk filled about 13 percent of the time, other talk about 29 percent and silence about 59 percent, and parents often asked closed questions (the car-ride video study, the journal's summary). Only the abstract-level summary was read, the ages and sports could not be confirmed, and 28 pairs is small. It shows what families do, not what helps.
Interviews with 36 girls averaging 13.5 years, all in team sport, found they preferred honest, balanced feedback after a match without a focus on criticism (the interview study with female team-sport athletes). These are stated preferences from girls of about 13, not football-specific and not 5 to 9 year olds, and only the repository record was read, not the full paper.
The NSPCC guidance on parents in sport speaks of emotional support, encouragement and constructive feedback rather than criticism. It is general guidance, not advice on a particular moment. A university news story and a review of parental involvement in sport, a narrative review of 39 studies, say older children may resent in-car lectures and need cooling-off time (university write-up). Both lean on adolescent and mostly Western research, and neither tests a script.
The "I love to watch you play" advice runs through coaching sites and a sport-psychology tips page written for adolescent athletes, not for 5 to 9 year olds (AASP, Mojo Sport, Youth Athlete Performance). That is opinion with no trial behind it, and one columnist's survey could not be traced. I would rather tell you these three lines are a kind default than pretend a study proves them.
Quick answers
Common Questions About Talking to Your Child After a Match
What should I say to my child after a football match?
Keep it short and leave the score out. Say "I loved watching you play", offer talk or quiet and move on to something ordinary (AASP, Mojo Sport). Save questions and tips for later.
What should I say after a football loss?
The same first line, then "That looked hard." Skip "never mind" and promises about next time. If tears come, see the guide on a child upset about losing. Be honest and sincere (AASP).
Should I ask my child about the game in the car?
Let them start it. If you do ask, make it one open question, such as "What was the best bit?", then listen and stop (AASP, video study).
What if my child wants to go through every mistake?
Listen and reflect ("That sounds annoying") and do not fix. Tips can go to the coach later (AASP).
Is it all right to say nothing on the drive home?
Yes. In one small video study of car rides, silence took up most of the time (video study, journal summary). A quiet car is not a failed car.
What if my child played badly and knows it?
Do not say they were brilliant. Say something true and warm: "I loved watching you play. That was a tough one." Be honest and sincere (AASP).
Keep going
Where to Go From Here
Three places to go next, depending on what you see. And for planning a child's first live match, the first live football match page is the place to start. Around a trial, what to say before and after a football trial has suggestions. And for what to say before a match instead, helping a nervous child before a football match is there.
Want lines that name what they did?
A bank of phrases sorted by the moment, ready to use.
See the praise phrasesWant more for the grown-up on the touchline?
Words and habits for the parent on the sideline.
See Parent Play StyleTonight's five minutes
Say your three lines out loud once.
Before the next match, say the three lines out loud once, so they are already in your mouth. After the match, say the first one, offer talk or quiet and put the radio on.